Ben there, done that!

OK peops, so I'm ready to write about Ben. Ben really is different from the other guys. Actually, he's different from the other guys I've been interested in. But he's the "other guys" that girls are referring to in movies when they say "you're not like the other guys." Speaking arithmetically, Ben = "the other guys" if "the other guys" = overt assholes/ players. I tend to go for the sweet guys with sad eyes and shy demeanors. I mean Amiri, Juan, Leonardo, they wound up being assholes in many ways, but they're style was always gentle.

And my Yiddish diagnosis was all off. Ben really isn't very menschy. He may have a mensch to putz split of 1/9. And that's on a good day. But Ben is pretty much a schmuck through and through. There's another appropriate Yiddish word to describe Ben, which is M

acha, a big deal, or really, someone who fancies himself a big shot. Ben is a total macha. He's kinda like a 90 year old Jewish macha caught in the body of a 32 year old Jewish macha. I had the pleasure of witnessing him call several cab companies and say (several times) "and listen, if he gets here within 10 minutes, he's got a big tip in for him." Who says that? Who below 76 says that? And in any year past 1956? Ben, apparently. 

After a week of emailing, texting, and speaking every day that week, we met up on a weekend

 night and had a nice time. And then Ben decided to drop the "I can't do this, you deserve more, I'm going to fuck it up" speech. Of course, one of the downsides of not being an alcoholic (u

nlike Ben) is that I get tipsy, and emotional, and less articulate and intellectual when I drink. Otherwise, having this discussion at 2 in the morning after dinner and drinks would have been totally enjoyable. Well, not really, but I would have been collected enough to say "why would someone like me want to be with a  workaholic, insecure, mean-spirited, depressed narcissist? Remind me? Again, since his asshole is conveniently located on his sleeve, Ben had the boldness to predict he WOULD cheat on me. To which a sober Ho would have responded, "Umm, I thought we would hit it a few times and then your insecure-cockiness would annoy me and you'd say something that would piss me off and hurt my feelings, and we'd end it. And, in fact, I had decided I would tell you that we should just be friends. But then the drinking made me kinda bite my tongue." And then, he had the delusion of grandeur to say "I wouldn't be able to write because I would want to be in bed with you all day and all night" to which I would have said "I have too much shit to do, and your not endowed enough to keep me in bed that long. Although I sleep in and that's getting to be a problem." 

A Ho Time Line is Born!

Check it out y'all it's a Hos Anonimos Time Line so we're all on the same page!

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OK, I take It Back. Ben, Like All Men, SUCKS

I can't really get into it now, because I'll either kill a man or even worse, have a nightmare. But, for now, know that Ben is a total putz. No he's worse. He suffers from that not a total putz and yet not a mensch either problem, kinda like Sheldon.

OMG. I don't know if I can fit the cliches Ben delivered on a single computer screen. More to come. But just know it was one of those I like you too much to fuck you up by being with you. A uniquely male problem, I would argue.

Anyway, no major loss. Just more evidence of why dating guys who are disappointing from the get go are so much less... disappointing. Maybe I should call up Juan . Just kidding. If nothing else, Ben really did knock-- or nail-- Juan out of my system. Not that that his hammer is that big, believe you me. UGGGHH!

what is the deal, Abdoullim?

OK, so what is the deal with Tajikistani guys? Am I right? They're so flakey. Again, I met Abdualim in Mumbai and joked (kind of) that he was the most promising of all potential guys in my life. And yes, meeting somebody once and making out in a hotel hallway counts as having him in your life. Like, duh! Everyone knows that.

So I had a little correspondence with Ab since I met him last winter. And the other day, I got this:

Hello dear [my name]!

I am in United States now. We came from Washington to Telluride Film Festival (Colorado). In couple of days we will go to St. Francisco and then to Chicago and in September 11 to New York city. I will depart from New-York in 17 th. Hope to see you.

huggs,
Abdualim

OK, I thought it was a little weird he hadn't told me before he was came to the U.S. But then again, he is from Eastern Europe and may not have had any running water or email access. And I could imagine the trip happening totally last minute after the Ab's brother was finally able to sell his sheep and pay back Ab the money he had lent him so Ab could pay for flight and black market passport. You think I'm being Westernist, but wait til I show you another email which proves how sometimes, jokes about Tajikistan are more true than intended.

So I wrote to him

Hey Abdualim,
Where are you staying in NY? At a hotel? If you need a place to stay, you can stay with me. Call me at 123 456 789

To which he wrote

I don't know yet about the name of the hotel our delegation is going to stay. Thank you very much for you invitation. As I find out and come to New-York I will call to you

To which I wrote

let me know your plans and if there is
anything in particular you want to do or see in nyc. and I still don't know what you are doing in the united states. are you showing a movie?
which one?

Then he wrote this email, which really annoyed me:

Hi [mispells my name for first time]!

Thank you very much for your messages. I am here as a participant of the international visitor programm "Documentary filmmaking" financed by states department. We have a very hard schedule in every cities and in New-York too. They want to show as US film industry. hope to see you soon.

WTF? "hope to see you soon"? And why hasn't he called me? Here I am, a native New Yorker, offering to show him around and he "hopes to see me soon" because of his "hard schedule." I'm kinda annoyed. Not because I want to get some Tajikistani action (been there, done that. Contrary to popular belief, the old saying "once you go Tajikistani you never go backi," is not true. ) But shouldn't he be excited just to see me because I'm a cool person who lives here? Again, I'm actually not at all upset, more offended. Does he have a girlfriend? Maybe someone from states department? I'll show you some other e-mail exchanges so you can see that he's usually more friendly. He even invited me to his country and told me, with my hair up, I looked like the "women of the mountain." He seems to change his tone over the course of these emails too. Weird. Guess the Soviets were right.

Guess I ain't Ben played by Ben Afterall (for now)

So, fans know that I was trying to keep my post-coital cool about a certain dude, Ben. I was pretty annoyed that I hadn't heard from Ben, and I decided that I didn't like him anyway, because if we had kids together they totally wouldn't be as cute as Langston Hughes. I mean, that's a high standard, but he's like all blond hair and blue eyed, which is totes not my type.

Well, he's still Aryan looking (though Jewish, which makes him, I guess, the exact opposite of Hitler) and I don't know if I want to have with him, but I'm not ready to throw out the dude with the dude water yet. Because yesterday, he texted me. It was a really thoughtful text: "How you?" It barely fit on my cell screen! Anyway, we wound up talking por telefono. And it was fun and awkward. He's kind of feral and uncivilized. Like a beast. But a cute, funny, smart and fun beast. So we'll see. He's constantly protecting himself. He says things like "Let me know when you get here, because I'm bored." Last night he said at the end of the conversation "So, yeah, I guess we ca talk later and hang out this week or whatever." I know. Like a direct and open Prince Charming. So we'll see what happens.

XXX Dreams

OK. so the good thing about sleeping with Ben, more details on this to follow, is that I was able to get a certain other schmuck out of my system. As they say in Spanish, un clavo saca otro clavo or one nail knocks out/ replaces another nail. I don't think they have a verb form of "to nail" in Spanish, so that makes the English translation of it even better and/ or more pervy. So after my first night with Ben, in which we slept together but didn't actually "do it," I had a dream that I saw Juan in a bar. And I told Juan, in all seriousness, "wow, I thought you were taller and cooler." I wonder what that dream symbolizes? Duh. I mean I really woke up feeling like Juan was not a big loss at all. Of course, the ideal would be not replacing one obsession with another. The ideal would be to not obsess over anyone. But you know what they say? una obsesión saca otra obsesión. At least, I say that. As of now...

The bad thing, of course, is that I can't stop thinking about Ben. Of course, I realize that my obsessions have more to do with me or a void I feel and less to do with the actual guy or nail. But in this case, I actually think I like this dude and we have stuff in common. I definitely have more in common with him than I do with anyone else I've been with recently. So at least maybe this is a step in the right direction.

You Know What, Ben? I Don't Want You Anyway!

OK Ben ,

Here it is. I was looking at the Langston Hughes baby picture, which is, like, the cutest thing EVER. And I realized, we're really not going to work out. You lack the genes I need

You will never give me the kind of baby I want. You won't be able to give me a fat baby. And even if it is fat, since you're weird about eating and stuff, you'll put it on some regimen. And I won't do that to my baby. I won't deprive him of food. I won't do that to myself. I won't deprive myself of adorable babies.

So we're through!

And here's what your baby will look like! If you're lucky

I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Boink

Ugggh. So, I'm not sure if I shared this in writing, but I had vowed that, since I get to emotionally invested and attached when I get "romenic" (that's "romantic" but said with a Sarah Palin accent), I would wait for at least a month before sleeping with someone I liked. My reasoning was, I'd rather trust someone and feel comfortable with that person emotionally (sorry, I just almost vomited) before having a sleep over. That way, if he was cool enough to sleep with I would sleep with him. But if he wasn't, I would weed him out.

But that was my plan for when I'm at home, in my own element/ city. What happens when I'm somewhere else? Like in another city and state? Like I was last week for a wedding? Where I spent some time with some dude I hadn't seen in a while but had met a few years before and hit it off with? Then what do I do?

As Langston Hughes asks in Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream promise deferred?
Does it dry
up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over
like a
syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it
explode?

Sadly, it stinks and explodes... all over your face... [I'm actually being more poetic than literal here and I realize that sounds gross and reproductive organ-related. But it's not, at least, it's not intentionally.]

It's kinda like when you're abroad, everything moves faster. I always do things when travelling that I wouldn't do abroad. I guess, you could say, my domestic policy is more conservative than my foreign policy. But being on the West Coast is hardly being in another country. Especially when you're conducting diplomacy with someone who lives in the same city you do. So why did I break my promise to myself?

Now I can't stop thinking about this dude, Ben, and waiting for him to call. I think even if we had just flirted and kissed I would be obsessing. But not this much. OK, I saw him less than 24 hours ago, so total freak out mode isn't justified. But come ON!!!!!!!!!!!! If you're reading this, Ben, then call me, you asshole. And also, sorry for writing about you in a blog.

Oh. that photo is not of Ben, nor is it of the child I would have with Ben. It's a baby photo of Langston Hughes I found when I was looking up his Dream Deferred poem.