In Case You're Juan-dering, Guess Who Contacted Me?

Up until today, I hadn't heard from (former cop in Puerto Rico, current security guard in NY, father of two kids) Juan for a few months. My last conversation with him was over the phone and contained some of his greatest hits:

Juan: And I want to be a cop. And you don't want me to be a cop.

Me: It's just that it's dangerous.*
Juan: Well, walking onto the street is dangerous.
Me: Yeah but--
Juan: It used to be dangerous to be a Jew**
Me: OK, well, I wouldn't want my husband to go to the Jew Academy and become a Jew either. Silence.

And

I want to be the one who works. And I want the woman to take care of the house. I like a woman who cooks and cleans. Like my ex, she had her problems, but if I was hungry, she'd have a plate of food ready for me... But you, you're there for me if I need to talk. But, I need to be the one who works.

The convo ended like this

Juan: Can I call you write back?
Me: Why don't you just call me tomorrow
Juan: Yeah, that's what I'll do. Lemme call you tomorrow.
Me: Bye
Juan: Bye.

And it only took him a few months to finally get in touch. He didn't call me and I certainly didn't call him. But check out this gem of an e-mail. I guess he writes in Spanish when it comes to matters of the heart.

Hola! espero que te encuentras bien a recivier estas letras. Solamente quiero dejar te saber que lamento por todo y espero que algun dia me puedas perdonar por ser tan ignorante. Tambien quiero que sepas que mis nenes estan aqui y quiero llevar los al parque central serca de tu casa. HOPE U DON'T HAT MY ASS. CUIDATE..

Here is the translation (without his mistakes. I will include those later)

Hi. I hope you're doing well. I only want to let you know that I'm sorry for everything and I hope one day you can forgive me for being so ignorant. I also want you to know that my kids are here and I want to bring them to Central Park near your house. HOPE YOU DON'T HAT [sic] MY ASS. TAKE CARE...

What the heck?


*actually, I'm uncomfortable with the profession for several reasons, but this was the one I chose to share, because it's the least offensive [why was I worried about being nice?] and because it's not that controversial a statement.

** I'm (ethnically) Jewish.