My first ever blind date

Ladies and gents (mostly ladies, but you'd be surprised how many men have written to this ho)... you are witnessing history--herstory-- no, ourstory-- in the making.  For the first time ever, I am going on a totally non-internet-induced blind date.

I met a woman, through a MuF (mutual friend.) We all went out for drinks and after, said woman and I shared a cab. We got to talking, men came up, my single status came up (I know, she couldn't believe it either), and I asked for any eligable available men to be sent my way. And she actually took me up on it and sent me an e-mail the next day with a thorough description of her colleague. I have her permission to give him my number, which is a HUGE deal. I mean some

 people would kill for that. 

I've spoken on the phone with the dude (We'll

call him Stevie) a few times. He seems nice, 

but I'm kinda not feeling it. Can't tell if it's him. I think it may be me. Some kinda self sabotage. Funny how I can be so picky about someone I've met. But then, once I've met the person, and like, spent a few hours with him, I make allowances and excuses up the wazu. We'll see. Anyhoo, I'll have a report back tonight.

cross your fingers for me

Maybe... just maybe... Love really IS blind!

The Rain (Or Polar Bears) In Spain,

Tuesday, I forgot to mention how annoyingly corny and dramatic and mysterious Leonardo's tone was. If you had asked me before if I would be living here... but now, I just don't know. That's how crazy my life is. You never know where your life will lead. Who knows what tomorrow brings? I almost died of a burst appendix, so as far as I'm concerned, I should already be dead.

I won't bite and say "What on earth is crazy about your life? Where on earth are you moving? And why?" I definitely would have done that before. In fact the major fight that ended our relationship was-- ha, I'm laughing as I remember this--  about polar bears. Well, kind of. Let me go check the records. God, I love gmail. It makes blogging about your exes SOOOO easy. Hold on... OK, I'm back. Wow, I remember how devastated I was by this e-mail, which is only 2 years old, but feels like it's from Kindergarten. OK, so here it is (with the emoticons and all)

Hi ! [I've italicized what's he wrote in English]

te cuento que en Julio no estare unos dias en Madrid. Del 5 al 12 estare fuera en un viaje a La Antartida estudiando la vida de los osos polares :O) consideralo para afinar tu programa actividades in Spain. De todas maneras habra tiempo cuando estes aquí para confirmar fechas.

Finalmente, el hombre del tiempo reportando que en Madrid el calor esta muy fuerte. Hoy por lo menos uff!

Bueno, to por ahora

Besos
Bye

You know the drill. Here's the ingles.

Hi ! [I've italicized what's he wrote in English]

I just wanted to tell you that I will be out of Madrid for a few days in July. From July 5-12 I will be on a trip in Antarctica studying the lives of Polar Bears :O) Keep that in mind when you're planning your activities in Spain. Anyway, once you're here, there will be time to confirm dates.

Lastly, the weatherman just reported the heat is really strong. Today at least uff*!

Well, that's all for now,

kisses,
Bye

I don't know if I told you this, but when we met, I was 23 and he was 36. Although we both thought the other one was in their late 20s. So keep that in mind as you enjoy his polar bear jokes and emoticons.

So, two years ago, when I was just a wee thing, I did bite. I bit hard. I'll show you the e-mail I wrote back in my next post. It's pathetic...

 

*not sure what the linguistic rout of "uff" is. 

More from my ex-pat/ ex-putz

Today, I got an e-mail which reminded me, again, why it's such relief to be over someone you thought you would never get over. And it's useful to remember that the next time you think that you'll never ever ever get over someone. As I said, I used to be sooooo eager to hear from Leonardo. My communication with Leonardo would define my highs and lows. A cute flirty e-mail would make my day and an ambiguous one would ruin it. God, I wasted so much money calling him from a land line. Last week, I shared an annoyingly self congratulating Leonardo sent me. Now check out this one he sent today. You need to know that this is in response to an e-mail I sent him yesterday, in which I asked him if he would in Spain on a certain date. I explained I was considering going for the 70 year anniversary of a certain event of great historical importance in October. I think in my e-mail I was pretty clear that the trip was based on the event: ("I'm thinking of returning to the motherland for the 70th anniversary... It would be between October 23 and 30th. " So here is his response. And note the emoticon (again)

Kate!! :O)

Justo ayer hable de ti; te lo juro; creo que tu padre debe investigar mas las conexiones cerebro-cerebro, a través de canales "no convencionales";O)

Bueno, mi vida anda muy revuelta estos dias; si me hubieras preguntado hace 1 mes sobre mi estadia en España para octubre te hubiera dicho que si; pero hoy mismo, no lo se, lo mas probable es que no. Hasta Agosto es seguro, despues, depende...¿No puedes adelantar tu viaje?...

Bueno, en todo caso, ahora engo mas tiempo para escribir y hablar..

Bs.

And now in English

Kate!! :O)

I was just talking about you the other day; I swear. I think your father should investigate brain to brain connections through "unconventional" channels. ;O)

Well, my life is crazy these days; if you had asked me one month ago about my being in Spain, I would have told you yes; but as of today today, I can't say, but it's most likely no. I'm sure I will be here til August, after, it depends... You can't move up your trip?...

Well, in any case, now I have more time to write and talk...

ks

OMG! So Annoying. Sure, I'll move up my trip by a few months and ask Spain to just move up the 70th year anniversary. What's a few months, right? Especially after 70 years. His trip adjustment suggests two things, both of which are really annoying 1) that I'm making the trip around him. 2) that he didn't pay attention to the whole purpose of my trip. Anyway... The last time I went to Spain I didn't even tell him I was going. And I'm glad I did that. Because I needed to recontextualize Spain. I had gone there a bunch before knowing him, but then the entire country become connected to him. I mean, I did stay with him when I went etc. Now I'm ready to see him, but don't particularly care either way, which is really liberating.

I hope you enjoyed the emoticons, by the way. I know I did.

My Ex-Pat Ex-Putz

It's so reassuring to be so over someone you one swore you would never get over. Such is the case with Leonardo , with whom I was in a a year-long long distance relationship. We met in Spain, where he lived/ lives and I shudder when I remember the corny cliched things he used to say that I actually took seriously. Like, he almost died (of appendicitis!) so he lives life in the moment. Or, he doesn't believe in labels and convention so he can't be in a monogamous relationship. Anyway, I'm reveling in how much his selfishness, which I used to not call selfishness, but which used to hurt me and drive me crazy, now just annoy the shit out of me. But instead of being hurtful, they're amusing. Check out this e-mail he wrote me. You should know that I think I don't even remember who wrote whom last, but I guess, according to his e-mail, it was me. I don't remember sounding desperate or encouraging him to "write back soon." But his e-mail makes it seem like I had told him if he didn't contact me, I was going to throw myself from the top of a building:

Hola!
Ahora estoy en dias con muchas cosas por hacer tambien, pero claro que siempre puedo sentarme un minuto a escribirte, prometo que te escribire muchos mas en unos dias.
Mi corazon esta recuperandose; el tiempo lo cura todo ;O)
Suerte con tu documental, y te escribo mas la proxima, lo prometo
Bs.

OK. Here's the translation:

Hello! I'm also really busy and have a lot of things to do, but of course, I can always sit down for a minute and write you, I promise I'll write you more in a few days. My heart is recovering; time heels all ;O). I'll write more the next time, I promise. Ks

Oh, I guess I must have e-mailed him about Scarlett Johansson. He always had a crush on her and I asked if he was OK with her being married. That's why he made the reference. Also, note the ;O). He was always into emoticons. Maybe it's because they are so universal and transcultural and direct. Hmmm.

Her-story Will Absolve Me

As Fidel Castro once said, during what must have been a three hour + speech, History Will Absolve Me. Well, this weekend I found out that Fidel and I have more in common than I thought (my friends will know I'm not really joking here.) Ho, like her comrade Fidel, has also been absolved by history. Or his story. Or her story. Or her Amiri story.

The other day, I ran into Sarah, a girl whose best friend Will is one of Amiri's good friends. While dating Amiri, whenever I hung out with his friends I would find found myself stuck in an enjoyable but strange sort of Bermuda's triangle. If you substitute (1)sports, (2) politics, and (3) cutesy-joking-flirting-smiling-gazing in eyes-talking-about nothing for the (1)Straits of Florida, (2)the Bahamas, and (3) the Atlantic. Or maybe a Venn diagram is a better example. But those are hard to do on a computer. Amiri and his friends shared a deep love for sports (which I don't know anything about.) Amiri's friends and I shared a deep interest in politics (which Amiri tries to not know anything about.) And Amiri and I shared inside jokes, stares, smiles and hand holding, which we did not share with Amiri's friends. So Amiri and I would cute-talk to each other, Amiri and his friends would sports-talk to each other, and Amiri's friends and I would politics-talk to each other. In a weird way, I could talk to his friends more than I could talk to him.

Anyway, I asked Sarah how Will was and during our chit chat I recalled how Will would multi task, having political conversations with me and speaking sportsese with Amiri. Then, without any prompting, Sarah said, "that's funny because I was hanging out with Will today and we were talking and he said 'you know Amiri is great, but he can't talk about anything but sports'."

Halleljah! Now I know it's not just my sports illiteracy. I always though that Amiri had an unhealthy obsession with sports and lived a ridiculously sportscentric life. In fact, he discussed our entire relationship-- and all relationships-- through sports metaphors . But then again, sometimes I thought, maybe it's me, not him. After all, I'm pathologically bad at sports and have confused baseball for basketball on a few occasions. But now I know that Amiri's very athletic friend, who also loves sports, and even plays on a team with Amiri, thinks Amiri is Outta control. This story has relieved me. And made me sad for Amiri. But mostly satisfied for myself.

In case you're Juan-dering about Juan's e-mail

Dear friends and fans, Sorry it's been so long. Ho's been busy. So I thought I would use Juan 's lovely e-mail to both make fun of him and teach people some Spanish. Here is what he said in Spanish (the language in which he wrote it) and English. The missing accents are in red.

Hola! espero que te encuentras encuentres [subjunctive] bien a recivier recibir [spelling] estas letras. Solamente quiero dejar te dejarte [when an infinitive verb is immediately followed by a direct or indirect object, it is always one word not two words] saber que lamento por todo y espero que algun dia me puedas perdonar por ser tan ignorante. Tambien quiero que sepas que mis nenes estan aqui y quiero llevar los llevarlos [see above] al parque central serca cerca [c not s] de tu casa. HOPE U DON'T HAT HATE [missing e] MY ASS. CUIDATE..

Here is the translation with his mistakes translated (which is a rough science)

Hi. I hope when you recivier this, you is doing well. I only want to letyou know that I'm sorry for everything and I hope one day you can forgive me for being so ignorant. I also want to letyou to know that my kids are here and I want to bring them to Central Park cloce to your house. HOPE YOU DON'T HAT [sic] MY ASS. TAKE CARE...

My favorite part is recivier. I guess it's a combination of recibir and receive. Plus an added French ier ending for some flair. Of course, had Juan been a nice person I would have find this endearing. But he's not. And before you call me a snob, Juan went to high school and almost graduated college and is very smart. But he's lazy and watches TV all the time. That's not fair, he also spends a lot of time on myspace. So, this is just me cashing in on what I'm owed: fodder for blogging and material. This is just another example of why I (should) have "no regrets (i guess)."

In Case You're Juan-dering, Guess Who Contacted Me?

Up until today, I hadn't heard from (former cop in Puerto Rico, current security guard in NY, father of two kids) Juan for a few months. My last conversation with him was over the phone and contained some of his greatest hits:

Juan: And I want to be a cop. And you don't want me to be a cop.

Me: It's just that it's dangerous.*
Juan: Well, walking onto the street is dangerous.
Me: Yeah but--
Juan: It used to be dangerous to be a Jew**
Me: OK, well, I wouldn't want my husband to go to the Jew Academy and become a Jew either. Silence.

And

I want to be the one who works. And I want the woman to take care of the house. I like a woman who cooks and cleans. Like my ex, she had her problems, but if I was hungry, she'd have a plate of food ready for me... But you, you're there for me if I need to talk. But, I need to be the one who works.

The convo ended like this

Juan: Can I call you write back?
Me: Why don't you just call me tomorrow
Juan: Yeah, that's what I'll do. Lemme call you tomorrow.
Me: Bye
Juan: Bye.

And it only took him a few months to finally get in touch. He didn't call me and I certainly didn't call him. But check out this gem of an e-mail. I guess he writes in Spanish when it comes to matters of the heart.

Hola! espero que te encuentras bien a recivier estas letras. Solamente quiero dejar te saber que lamento por todo y espero que algun dia me puedas perdonar por ser tan ignorante. Tambien quiero que sepas que mis nenes estan aqui y quiero llevar los al parque central serca de tu casa. HOPE U DON'T HAT MY ASS. CUIDATE..

Here is the translation (without his mistakes. I will include those later)

Hi. I hope you're doing well. I only want to let you know that I'm sorry for everything and I hope one day you can forgive me for being so ignorant. I also want you to know that my kids are here and I want to bring them to Central Park near your house. HOPE YOU DON'T HAT [sic] MY ASS. TAKE CARE...

What the heck?


*actually, I'm uncomfortable with the profession for several reasons, but this was the one I chose to share, because it's the least offensive [why was I worried about being nice?] and because it's not that controversial a statement.

** I'm (ethnically) Jewish.

Deep Thought: There's a Fine Line Between Pervy and Lusty

Hi fans,

So, last post, I described catching

I Caught him lustfully staring. And I don’t usually say that. In fact, I can tell you write now, I have never said that. I hope to use it more in the future. I mean I hope there are more lustful stares coming my way that would justify the nomenclature. Of course, lustful stares from gross guys don’t count.

Fred Thompson Barack Obama

Rain Drop #3 Still On Notice, But Could Come Back To Life

Riveted fans, who have bitten their nails away in anticipation and suspense will be relieved to know that I did see Rain Drop #3, the divorcé friend of friend, tonight night. At first, I had one of those "did I really ever find him attractive?" moments. It had been a while since I had last seen him, so I really wasn’t sure. Was my memory deceiving me? Had I been really drunk all the other times I had seen him? Had I had really bad eye allergies which were impairing my vision? But then, after around 15 minutes, the spark was back and he looked bonable again. It’s funny how the physical and the personality thing are so linked up. (Remind me to tell you about Leonardo 's transformation.) I mean, Rain Drop #3 didn’t have any cosmetic surgery over the course of the night (that I KNOW of) so clearly he didn't undergo a physical change that increased his bonability. I guess I misspeak when I say he looked bonable again. It’s more that he was bonable again. Or became bonable again. Or that I saw him as bonable again. Still, if we ever do go out, I’d probably advise him against wearing the shirt he wore tonight because it is unflattering any way you cut it. And if we get married I'd definitely demand he not wear the shirt. Or I would make him choose between me and the shirt.

I wouldn't be surprised if I never see him again, but he did show some promising signs of interest:

• Sat next to me on multiple occasions
  
• Made multiple references to doing stuff in the future.
  
• AND they were things I would actually do and/ or like to do.
  
• AND they were activity-specific, though not time or date specific. And I really can’t get too excited since, as we learned from Chris , future activity suggestions don’t really mean anything.
• Good conversation/ chemistry.
  
• Caught him lustfully staring. And I don’t usually say that. In fact, I can tell you write now, I have never said that. I hope to use it more in the future. I mean I hope there are more lustful stares coming my way that would justify the nomenclature. Of course, lustful stares from gross guys don’t count.

He did do something annoyingly retata, but I'll tell you about that later.

Nobody Puts Ho In A Corner! A Revenge Plan For Rain Drop #3 Is Born

Last night I was complaining that Rain Drop #3, (the divorce friend of a friend who SEEMS interested in me) owed me an e-mail. He's a week overdue. Well, guess what? Turns out I’m going to be seeing him at some event tomorrow tonight. Wouldn’t it be funny if I made a scene and acted as we had slept together and then he never called? Like I threw a drink in his face? Or went up to him, smacked his face, and said “you’re dead to me.” Or “you messed with the wrong woman” and then poured a glass of ran wine on his head. (The drink thrown above was white wine and it was thrown in face in the heat of the moment a la Moonstruck--the scene* where the John Mahoney, as Professor Perry, gets a drink thrown in his face. The red wine this is a slow premeditated pour.)

*Technically, John Mahoney scenes, since he gets a drink thrown in his face twice. I still remember those scenes, and I saw that movie in the theater. And I was 6. Wow.

Did Raindrop #3 Already Evaporate?

So divorcé Rain Drop #3, (the friend of a friend who e-mailed me to say that he's missed seeing me/we should get a drink ) and I have exchanged a few e-mails. But now it’s his turn to e-mail me back. And it's been a week! That’s just too long. WTF? Again, he was the one who proposed getting together. He even proposed a plan. Well, he half proposed. Or a third proposed. He suggested an activity (your basic drink) but didn't suggest a time or place. Still, that's a lot in this day and age. I mean, it's the equivalent of a marriage proposal. Whateva. He is on the generic list of men to avoid (recently divorced)...

When It Rains, It... Only Drizzles

Here are some downer updates about the seemingly interested guys (or "raindrops") responsible for my brief and overly optimistic "When it Rains, It Pours" cliché use/ post. So rain drop #1 , a guy I went to college with and ran into the other day, e-mailed me (as fans know) with a general we should get together at some point. And I was going to e-mail him back (as fans know.) But before I could, he sent me a text with uncharacteristically (for straight men) concrete and committed details (I wonder if he’s really a lesbian) with a suggestion of a) an activity b) a time c) a place. I was blown away. And remember, this was before I had even responded to the e-mail, which I was going to. I’m not playing games, I’ve just been busy.

So then I texted him back and explained that I couldn't but suggested another day. That was last week. And no reply. So I may e-mail him once more, or I may just pull the plug and consider him dead to me. As of now, he's on notice.