So, my friend and I were chatting the other night about online dating. And we agreed that, in spite of our hopes to the contrary, and our best intentions, and efforts to keep an open mind, every time we have a negative hunch about someone based on his profile, the hunch turns out to be spot on. Actually, it turns out to be even more true than we had imagined possible. This makes actually going through with going date really difficult.Here is an example of what I fear from a guy's profile. This is taken from a real guy who wrote me and who I am supposed to call and/ or go on a date with. We'll call him "Online John"
Online John
- lists his interests alphabetically [annoying]
- and they include things like acronyms, alain resnais, ambiguity, angularity in many forms, autodidacticism, complexity, critical theory, ineffability, post-modernity, temporality, walter benjamin [painfully pretentious]
- and petit mort, [uh, French for little death which means orgasm, which is both painfully pretentious and a little pervy]
- and suffering [not so healthy or appealing]
I am almost positive he will turn out to be annoying and/ or painfully pretentious and/ or pervy and/ or unhealthy and unappealing. So, in order to soften the blow, I am going to talk on the phone with him instead of going on a date with him. Because that way, when he does inevitably, prove to be annoying and/ or painfully pretentious and/ or pervy and/ or unhealthy and unappealing I won't be trapped. I can always read e-mail, blog, paint my nails, or clean my house as he goes on and on about ineffability. Or I can simply hang up the phone. But I would hate to be stuck in some east village cafe for drinks, then stuck in some artsy cinema for a retrospective, then stuck in an obscurely ethnic hole in the wall (where, he will remind me several times, he is always the only non Turkmenistani there) for some authentic cheap plov, with someone who won't shut up about critical theory.So, yeah, I think I'll call him tomorrow.
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