Ask Out Or Get Out!

Sorry for the delay guys. I'm working on a little something for all of you, which is kinda time consuming. Blame my friend Willa. It was her idea. Should be ready by the end of this week.

Anyhoo, speaking of delays and waiting, I wanted to explain that I may have sounded really bitchy last week in my description of Wilson. But what I didn't tell you is that after an hour of a pretty mono-directional "conversation" he really put himself out on a limb. And I think he's moving too fast. After I said I had to go (it was 3AM for Christ's sake*-- not really, but it felt like that) he said "Well thanks for taking the time to talk to me and listen to me." I asked him what his schedule was like next week and he said "Oh, I'm pretty free. So whenever you want, you could give me a call." WHAT? OK buddy. Have you ever heard the expression "Ask out, or get out?"

It's seriously like pulling teeth with this guy. I feel like I already asked him to take off his pants (talk on the phone) and tell me his deepest fantasies (maybe hang out in person). Actually, that's not really a good analogy. I mean I don't usually have to beg guys to take off their pants. I usually just put something in their drinks and yank them off once they knocked out. No, just kidding. My point is "getting" a guy to take his pants off isn't really like pulling teeth. Getting a guy to keep his pants on requires more effort. So, what I should have said is

I feel like I'm moving really fast and am being an inappropriate horndog. I feel like I already asked him to take off his pants (talk on the phone) and tell me his deepest fantasies (maybe hang out in person).

Although, it's probably a good thing he didn't lift the proverbial finger or make any effort whatsoever to move this beyond a phone conversation. Can you imagine if things got serious, I mean really serious, not just third base serious. And we started dating and fell in love. And then imagine I wanted to sanctify our love with the bougie self obsessed institution that is marriage? I'd be screwed. I can't even fathom the number of light years it would take him to ask someone to marry him.

*I like that expression. It's blasphemous (I guess), yet sounds really wholesome.

Post Getting to Third Base Post/ Real IMs

Hi guys. As I told you, I was going to get some hot digital action last night. And I did. I spoke to law student "well" Wilson ON THE PHONE! Which means I got to third base.woo hoo. I was dreading the convo a little bit. I was afraid of being bombarded by "wells." Well, the good news is that Wilson's abuse of the word well is much more scriptural than oral. The bad news is he abused my ear. I may come off as mean, but I'm just being honest. Remember how I said I wanted to talk to Wilson already, because I was tired of exchanging e-mail and e-mail after e-mail
with him? And remember I mentioned I limit pen pal relationships to those who are in jail or under house arrest or the subject of Amnesty International campaigns? It kind of felt like Wilson had been in solitary confinement for the past ten years. Because he would NOT stop talking. Not even for a second. We spoke for an hour. And he went on and on about politics and the world and his life. I was bored out of my mind. I felt like the 7 characters in the film Airplane who kill themselves in different ways because they are bored to tears by the stories the Robert Hays character ( Ted Striker) tells them (see below). Ultimately, I didn't harm myself, although, as you'll see, I did as for a gun. Luckily my friend Biz was online. So I two-timed Wilson and got some IM action on the side with Biz.

10:02 PM me: omg
i'm talking to this online guy

10:06
PM Biz: wait did you go to the play?

me: no
too
rushed
did pilates instead

10:07 PM Biz: aw topo
bad
i mean
too..

10:08 PM me: right
10:10
PM omg
this guy is sweet
but going on and
on
about how people r riding more
bikes bc gas is
so expensive
but he wont shut up about
it
omg
it's a really easy concept
10:11
PM
we don't me need to spend so much time on it

Biz: lol

10:12 PM me:
now
we're on "20 yrs of saving
changes the world...
this should have
been done during the carter
years....
i don't know how much you know
about president
carter
but he was a visionary..."
ok now this is
getting
interesting
great back to
carter
give me a gun
he's talking
about THE METRIC
SYSTEM
10:14 PM which SHOULD have been adopted in
the
U.S.
10:21 PM had to cut him off
he
was
about to
lecture
me on [subject I know about on a PhD
level]
10:24 PM omg

I mean, don't get me wrong. I agreed with everything he said. Which is why it wasn't necesary for me to be privy to his monologue. I'm just going to pretend he really was a political prisoner. That way I won't feel bad about wasting an hour being lectured. How can I even think of complaining when this guy spent the last ten years in a cel? I feel better already :)

When It Rains, It Pours (Rain Drop #3)

This is the final post in my three part "When It Rains, It Pours" series. So, this week, a statistically atypical thing happened: three dudes sent me interest-implying e-mails. I'm not that self pitying or delusional. I mean, I do have men who are interested in me. But it does seem to give credence to the "when it rains, it pours" cliche and the cliche about emitting some kind of "I'm wanted glow." OK. Again, I'm really not feeling overly optimistic. I'm waiting to discover that these raindrops are, in fact, mirages. Or they are real, but will evaporate.

Having already introduced fans to Rain Drops #1 and #2 , allow me to introduce Rain Drop #3. RD3 is actually a friend of a friend. Like so many child marriages, his ended in divorce (OK, they were in their mid twenties. But, still, what's the rush.) I actually remember meeting RD3 and asking my friend about him, only to discover that RD3 was married. That sucked. Well he's now divorced. That still sucks. Because who wants to date a recently divorced person. You don't have to be a Rules Girl to no that recently broken up or, worse, divorced, people are no-no's if you're looking for a relationship. But, anyway, Mr. Divorce e-mailed me saying he "miss[es] hanging out" and suggesting that we "get drinks." Why, that's pretty concrete. I mean no date and place, but compared to RD1 and RD2, it's basically a marriage proposal. I've written RD3 back and said we should wait to talk about marriage, since he just got out of one, but a drink sounds good. Just kidding. I only e-mailed part of that. Just the first part. Just kidding. I e-mailed him the second part only. For real.

On On-Line Dating

I finally wrote to that law student, Wilson, who my shrink had reminded me about. I don't know if you remember, but he was someone who contacted me online. Things were getting really hot and heavy, on a written level. But I don't like maintaining pen pal relationships (unless you're in jail or a political prisoner)and I had decided it was time to call or get off the dating site. As I explained, I had made up my mind and planed to do "some gender bending role reversal and ask him if he wants to engage in some digital sex and exchange numbers. We arranged for a time to talk. And that time... is tonight.

So I'm about to talk to him. I have to admit, I'm not overly eager. He seems cool, but there is something he does that really bothers me. OK, maybe I'm being too picky, but he uses the word "well"... well... a lot. For instance, in our phone call planning e-mail he wrote

Hi! It's _____ from ________ How are you? Well here's my number, _____ and well, I wanted to know when you would be free to talk. Well that's all, hope you
have a nice day today, and well, talk soon!

Well, that's really what it said. So I guess I'll try giving him a call. And if his wells are overwhelming, I can always pretend my battery died. Well, I'll let you know how it goes!

When It Rains, It Pours (Rain Drop #2)

OK, so yesterday I mentioned that in one week I got three e-mails, from three different gentlemen who seemed to be expressing some interest in lil' ole me (and me lil' ole vagina). Metaphorically speaking, of course, the three e-mails make up a thunderstorm which is drenching my otherwise dry spell. Of course, the refrain, "when it rains it pours" doesn't really work. It's more like "when it rains, there are three drops of rain. But when you're living in a desert, three drops feel like pouring rain." The second rain drop was someone I had met at a party a few weeks ago (yeah, I should have told you about him when I met him. I'm sorry readers.) Anyhoo, he wrote me an e-mail which revealed that he had done some research about me. That's always flattering and promising. He made slightly less vague suggestions of hanging out than Rain Drop #1. So I've written #2 back as well. I'm not going to make any overtures towards concretizing plans. A Rules Girl never takes the initiative. I mean, I joke, but I'm also serious. I've taken the initiative too many times. It's time to ditz-out a little. Again, kinda joking, kinda serious. I'm pretty un-ditzy so when I ditz-out it's fine. I just gotta protect myself. You know, mang? I will keep yous guys posted.

For now, enjoy this amazing rain scene in Four Weddings and A Funeral, which includes the best rain-related diologue ever.

When it Rains, It Pours (Rain drop #1)

OK. So this week, I got three e-mails from different guys expressing semi interest in me and, potentially, my vagina, not to put too fine a point on it. I mean, not just interest in my heart of brain. I mean some romantic interest. The first e-mail, was from a guy I went to school with and hadn't seen in a few years, but ran into a few weeks ago. We'll call him rain drop #1. His e-mail a general, vague "we should get together" type of e-mail. OK. I'll bite and respond. I'll let you know what happens. And I'll fill you in on drops 2 and 3. I'm sure they will evaporate anyway in a few days and just make my hair frizz all for naught. But for now, let's enjoy the Weather Girls.

How Would You Like Your Fat Ass? Medium? or Medium Rare?

Ok. Almost done flushing Juan stories out of my system. Again, they are too precious for me to allow to slip into my repressed memory. So, where were we? Oh, right. I found out that Juan had privatized his MySpace page AND infiltrated my space, Facebook. After coming to the Facebook realization I decided to do another Juan search on the internets. This time I told Google to "repeat the search with the omitted results included." And I stumbled upon another social networking site -- a music one I had never heard of. I was able to see what kind of music Juan liked. I was also able to see that he had one "friend." And this friend was Juan's ex. Ex had her MySpace on private, long before Juan did. I guess she's the online trailblazer of the two. But she had a public profile on this site. And here is what I learned about her from her "about me" section. And I quote

"Black hair, brown eyes, curvy, fat ass medium." I wonder if it was that fat ass medium that Juan fell for. I also wonder what a fat ass medium is. I guess I'll never know.

Deep Thoughts: Pheromones

Wak[ing] Up & Smell[ing] the Pheromones

I'll Give You Your MySpace, But Don't Be all up in My Facebook

As fans know from reading Giving Juan His Myspace Space (not exactly willingly), a few weeks ago, during a bout of insomnia, I decided to troll the internet for traces of Juan. (Counting sheep does not hold a candle to stalking your ex. Ambien is great, but who wants midnight munchies?) Thus, at 4AM, I discovered that Juan ’s MySpace page was no longer public. I was in shock. MySpace isn't really my space. I have a page or whatever, but I don't spend a lot of time there. Since I was in unfamiliar territory, I decided I needed to see a familiar face, and logged onto Facebook. When Juan and I were dating, he told me he didn’t have a Facebook profile. In all fairness, his intimate relationship with MySpace took up a lot of his time. And starting something with Facebook would have been like cheating on MySpace. So Facebook isn't just a familiar place, but a safe space, a Juan-free refuge. On a whim, let’s call in women’s intuition, or whimin’s intuition, I decided to double check that Facebook was, indeed, still a safe haven. And as luck would have it, Juan had infiltrated Facebook. What the f? Why is he all up in my FaceBook? He needs to get out of my FaceBook? That’s mine. During the break up I should have stipulated that he get the MySpace, and I keep the Facebook. That’s only fair. And it’s much easier than split custody. I mean I guess he could get Facebook on weekends, but that just gets confusing. Juan, there's something called boundaries!

Speaking of boundaries, I have one more Juan-based anecdote I want to share. Check back tomorrow to see what I found out about Juan's ex and her butt.

Giving Juan His Myspace Space (not exactly willingly)

This happened a few weeks ago, but, as I explained in Are you there God, it's me Ho(rgaret)I want to blog about it before the tumor of the memory of Juan is totally removed from my... I dunno. I want to say heart, but there's no such thing as heart cancer, is there? And also, that sounds so dramatic. So we'll say elbow.

The whole time I was with Juan, I was aware that there was someone else. Call it a woman's intuition. I'll admit it. I was jealous. I was jealous because I knew that while he was flakey with me, Juan was very committed and responsible when it came to another relationship. While we would have to meet up after he got out of work at midnight, I knew, somehow, he was making time for his other relationship. And I knew that when I was away, he was spending a lot of time there, he was visiting regularly, in fact, every day I think. And while he was an emotional roller coaster and a mess with me, when it came to the other woman, Juan was clearly making great efforts to be open and communicative about what he was feeling and what was on his mind. It was so hard knowing that I could never compete with Juan's real interest: his MySpace page. I mean he was so dedicated to that page. Wild horses couldn't keep him away from it. He was obsessed, I would say, and always updating his photos, his moods, his skins. Readers know, that Juan's MySpace was a very sacred space for him. [See MySpace or Your's?, and red flag: inappropriate social networking site pages]. If anything ever happened to Juan, you better believe he would document it on his MySpace page. And because Juan is so in tune with his his MySpace, his page is a reliable source for reconnaissance work Remember, from his MySpace page alone I was able to get the slam dunk intelligence confirming my suspicion that Juan was trying to get back with his ex.

So I was pretty good about not respecting Juan's MySpace space. I didn't stalk him or anything. Apparently people do. He once told me about a girl who stalked him and sent him pictures of her in underwear. HOT. But a few weeks ago, I had insomnia. And you know what they say, nothing cures restless mind syndrome quite like googling your ex at 4AM. So I did. And I soon came to regret it. Because guess what I saw? Or guess what I didn't see? His complete profile!. Low and behold, Juan's MySpace page was no longer pubic, but private! You could only see his mood. You couldn't see his profile or photos. I swear, I felt like it was a slap in the face. I felt like Juan was actually saying to me,

You need to give me my MySpace, stop stalking me. Stop spending so much time visiting my page. Why are you torturing yourself? You know our profiles aren't compatible. You know we don't have any MySpace friends in common. Go find yourself a new profile.

He probably just couldn't deal with all the stalkers who were stalking him. But at 4 in the morning I took it more personally. I also felt like a connection between us had been severed. I was no longer part of his private world. I was an outsider, I was excluded, I was marginalized. Maybe that was what helped me move on, though. Because I haven't been thinking about him. I'll miss those sexy bikini models. I can't believe I'll never see his kids (in photos) again. I feel like I was just getting to know them.

And then, as if that wasn't disorienting enough, I "stumbled upon" another shocker. You'll never guess I found next. But it's 1 in the morning, so I'll tell you tomorrow.

Post Date Update/ Wake Up & Smell the Pheromones

So last night's date with Juan

Are you there God, it's me Ho(rgaret)

Oh, speaking of Juan ... now that I'm not thinking about him anymore, I'm torn. I don't want to dwell on him, but, before he fades away, like nightmares always do, I want to record all the ridiculous and funny stories. Because I deserve that, at the very least, as I explained in No Regrets (I guess). I mean there has to be a reason I met him. You know what they say, God (and, coincidentally, some woman in Bono's life) moves in mysterious ways. So I assume this time God wanted to give me some funny material. Or maybe he's just a sadist and wanted some material to himself to make himself laugh. Which is why I prefer my own adage God moves in sadistic ways. If he even exists. Take that, god!

Pre Date Update

OK guys. Tonight is date #2 with I'm feeling neither nervous nor particularly excited. But maybe I'll get there. I'm slightly looking forward to it. The good thing is that I didn't suffer that dater's remorse I usually feel on dates when I'm not magnetically drawn to my datee. In other words, on other online dates, when there is not a lot of chemistry, which is highly possible since you've never met before, I sit there thinking, well, at least if I was out with [insert most recent ex] I would feel comfortable.* I mean I might be frustrated, disappointed, in pain, but it would be a homey, familiar and comfortable pain. Like a the pain provided by a pair of well worn, painful yet somehow comfortable shoes. Luckily I didn't spend the date with or the post-date subway ride home wishing I was in a dysfunctional quasi relationship with Juan. I don't know if that's because I'm getting over Juan' (which I am), I liked , or I'm getting to be a better dater. Or maybe all three. Well, I will keep you posted.

*See to online date, or not to online date: that is the (second) question

Post Date Update Post: The Morning (Evening) After

I probably shouldn't have posted my date report back so late at night. That was irresponsible. And I apologize to my loyal readers who couldn't sleep last night because you were tossing and turning wondering when and if I'd ever hear from on phone josh. Well, 24 hours within our first date, Online Josh sent me a very nice, funny, cheerful e-mail which concluded with a date invitation in which he told me he was going to the movies "If [I am] interested. So I guess we're going to the movies That sounds so old fashioned, "going to the movies." I hope he doesn't try to "get fresh" or "neck." I guess these days we say "going to a movie" or "going to see a movie." Speaking of old fashioned, The Rules clearly stipulates that a Rules Girl does NOT accept a date for a Saturday later than a Wednesday evening. In other words, your suitor had better prioritize and plan around you in advance. And you can't come off as being to available. BUT since our first date was a Wednesday, I think a Thursday evening invite is acceptable.

Shrink or Pimp?

Thank God for my shrink *. Not only does she help me with breakthroughs, more on that soon, but she helps me keep track of my potential suitors. I've been really busy lately and been getting pretty hot and heavy with this one guy, on-phone-Josh. We still haven't met, but we will tonight! Look out for my report back. And, as long time readers know, I've vowed to really date and not put all my ova in one basket.

But today, when my shrink asked me "what about the lawyer from Washington Heights," it took me a few seconds to realize what and whom she was talking about. I totally forgot about online Wilson who I met online. We've gotten to second base-- talked on the phone-- a couple of times now. But he still won't make real a move. He still hasn't suggested we get coffee or talk on the phone. All he says is
he's looking forward to hearing from me. That's nice! I look forward to hearing you tell me you look forward to hearing from me! I'm newly old fashioned and have recently decided to filter out potential awkward disasters by talking to a guy on the phone before deciding whether I actually want to meet him. I'm also all about not putting myself out there, because I'm trying to play by
The Rules, like a good "Rules Girl." At the same time, I'm not interested in maintaining a pen pal relationship (with anyone who's not incarcerated.) So I think I'm going to be do some gender bending role reversal and ask him if he wants to engage in some digital sex and exchange numbers. Too soon?

*The image above is not a real picture of me and my shrink.

** The image to the right is not a real pimp, nor is it my shrink dressed up in a pimp costume. If, however, she, or my fans, wanted to find a pimp costume, they could find this one and many others at pimpcostumes.com

My First Online Date Report Back

Tonight marked my first online date in recorded history. If you consider blogging recording and my life between May 3rd and June 18th history. Or should I say [cue the Indigo Girls cassette] herstory! As fans know, it was with on-phone Josh. I was LATE. Doy! Oh well. He was really, really sweet and engaged in what we were saying. The phone doesn't do his dorkiness justice, and he has a pretty dorky voice. But again, he was so nice. And he was smart and funny. He asked me a lot of questions, which is nice. We had already established that we had googled each other when we spoke on phone so we were prepared and we had the material from our phone convo to work with. I wouldn't turn my head to look at him if we passed each other on the street type thing, but he has something cute about him. He was also nervous and awkward. I realize that I like when guys come off as shy and confident because of my own insecurities. I'll talk more about that soon. But the point is I didn't feel totally at ease. Of course if he were a friend or a guy with a girlfriend I would be totally comfortable in the presence of his awkwardness.

After two hours siting, drinking, talking and asking each other questions, we walked to the subway. He didn't try to kiss me, which I didn't want to do, so that was a relief. He told me to let him know if I wanted to hang out again. I said something like yeah, sounds good. So we'll see what happens. I didn't feel any "chemistry," whatever that means. But I'm definitely open to going on a few more dates. Maybe there will be some chemistry coming soon. Although I don't know how much I believe in gradual or delayed chemistry. Something to think about, readers.

Online Action

Sorry fans for not telling you sooner, but I actually got some action over the weekend with a guy I met on the internets. We actually went to third base (talked to each other via telephone.) I mean, I'm not a freak. I didn't just jump onto the phone with him. We had already gotten to second base (in case you're a first time reader, that's raw, unfiltered, unmediated inbox to inbox e-mail conversation.) But as we all know the difference between second and third is huge. I'd say maybe as big as the difference between third and home.

Speaking of which, guess who's scoring a home run tomorrow night (going on a date)? That's right. Lil' ole me. I hope it's not too painful and awkward, as is often the case with the first time. I will let you know how it goes!

And so we're all on the same "post" we'll call this guy on-line Josh, not to be confused with online John or online Bob. No, he's more than that. I haven't had "the talk" with him yet, but I'm pretty sure I can call him "my on-phone friend," so we'll call him On-phone-Josh. Or am I moving too fast?

Excuse me, but some updates on Excuse Me Your Soul Mate is Waiting" is waiting

Back to Excuse me, "Excuse Me, Your Soul-Mate is waiting" is waiting for you to read. Oddly enough, Marla's blog, "Excuse Me, Marla is blogging" and the blog you're on right now (lucky fans in the know) have certain things in common. Maybe we would get along because we share blogspot layout and color tastes.

I'm a little disappointed because the blurb on the front had be expecting more.

“Enjoy this book and let it help you find your own soul mate.”*

-- John Gray, PHd, Author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

I usually agree with John on EVERYTHING. In fact, I get along with him so well, I should write a book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, But Some Men and Women, like John Gray, and I, Must Be From the Same Planet.

*It's no surprise that Marla is friend's with Gray. She explains on her about me page "My friends are powerful people doing interesting things! Take a look." She then generously links to said powerful friends. I gotta see what they're doing. I'll check it out and let you know if they're interesting.

Am I a Cock Tease? Someone Thinks I am.

So my new shrink is much more upfront and more open with her opinions than my old one. She is also around 30 years older than my old one. Anyway, I was telling her a story about Juan
and explained that the first time he stayed over (which was way too early), we didn't have sex. (We didn't do anything significant, it was a pg 13 sleepover, AATW (All Above The Waist.) Her response to that was not "Isn't that sort of a tease?" It took me a few minutes to fully digest that a 70 something year old psychologist was calling me a cock tease. Then I said "No. I told him from the start that I wouldn't be having sex with him." Which is true. I don't mean "the start" of the date. I didn't walk into the restaurant and say, "Hi, how are you? I'm not going to sleep with you, FYI." It was once we were upstairs.

Excuse me, "Excuse Me, Your Soul-Mate is waiting" is waiting for you to read

Just because I really like The Rules and How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk doesn't mean I have no standards when it comes to self help literature. Some of my friends, in fact, complain that I'm a bit of a self help snob. I can't help it. I have really, really good taste in somethings. And Self Help Lit is just one of those somethings.

I perused a book-- OK, I bought it but still have the receipt and plan to return it to Barnes & Noble where I told the guy who rang me up I was writing an article on relationships, not, why else would I be buying a book like this-- called Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate is Waiting. It's fine to be new age-y, but it talks about "vibes" and vibrations as if they were cells or smells or weight, ie something measurable. For instance:

Have you ever met someone with whom you really connected in a strange or unexpected way, and you just had a gut feeling that it was meant to be? Or have you landed a great new job just by "coincidence," or found a twenty-dollar bill lying on the sidewalk just after you lost your job? Chances are these events were attracted into your life because you were "vibrating" positive energy into the universe. And the right energy will bring to you opportunities that you never imagined possible.

If you were vibrating positive energy into the universe, wouldn't you be protected from "losing your job?" Wouldn't the universe send vibrations to your boss that said "you will not fire this highly vibrating person" ?

Love is Like Baseball/ Speaking Sportsese

I was talking to Amiri the other day. We're now at the stage where I feel comfortable complaining about how much guys such. And he feels comfortable giving me advice. Not surprisingly, he feels most comfortable talking in sports metaphors. That made our "processing," or... I don't know... scrimmaging, pretty interesting. Look at this real IM exchange and see how quickly he reverts into Legalese. Apparently I have to approach dating like baseball.

NB I have not changed this exchange at all. The proof is my embarrassingly bad spelling. But I'm putting in our real fake names, not our real real im names. So he's Amiri and I'm Ho. And my conversation with myself, i.e. my thoughts, are in italics. They, obviously, weren't recorded or exchanged in the im.

Amiri: not every guy works out*

[Duh. Thanks for saying AND showing me that]

Me: i'm joining a fucking convent
for real
i hope you'll visit me even though
you're not religious

Amiri: you have to approach this like a
business
can't overreact

Me: i know [I do?I know I have to approach it like a
business?]
whatever
ok
i think i'd look hot in a habit anyway [Looking at the
chalice 1/2 full. You go girl!]
i can get some hot priest
ass [Looking at the chalice 3/4 full now.]
but my heart will belong to the man upstairs

Amiri: if you played baseball that would help

[Here we go]

me: not everyone is a cool cucumber liike you [or has a
huge cucumber like you (:( I miss it)
Not everyone is repressed like you and can only communicate over
im's and through sports metaphors.]
why would baseball help? [I'll humor him]

Amiri: you can't get too high or too low

Me: ok
hablamos
tahnks for your
ear**
it's amazing how functioning it
is
considering its small size

Amiri: bye

* He meant works out as a boyfriend. Not works out as in exercises. It's ironic because he really DID workout, three times a day if he could. Not kidding.

**On our second date (our first real date) I complimented Amiri on his little ears. He reminded me that I had told him that last time. I didn't know that.

My Update on Juan's MySpace Update

Hi friends,

So I fell of the wagon and had a minor relapse. The other day I checked on Juan's MySpace, confident that, no matter what is happening in his life, he always makes time for his social networking sites. I wanted to see what mood he was in. I also was hoping to find more words of hope and inspiration. And I was curious to see if like maybe his status had changed from single to "back with my ex (for 12th time)." Here's what I found.

1. He doesn't have that nifty Yankees layout anymore (don't worry, you can still download it here for free!)

2. He is still "single" and still looking for friends only, not for "relationship"

3. He still has the section "Me and (ex's name) and are [sic] kids" but it's no longer a feature

4. His main picture is no longer on of him with his beloved children and ex, but with his beloved flag of Puerto Rico

5. His hot comment is no longer "If you love someone, you never give up" but an equally inspiring and hot Puerto Rico-based comment (and image). It's actually more of an affirmation (for more, scroll down). It may or may not be pictured left.

6. The latina swim suit models are still there (thank god)

7. And his mood is no longer "hopeful" but "unstimulated." I have to admit, reading that gave me some satisfaction. Not to sound cocky, but I like to think my absence from his life is somewhat responsible. Even if he doesn't know it. I do. And at the end of the day, isn't that all that really matters? That and the fact that I'm beginning to understand what "hot comments" are. Check these out, available at here (ladies, make sure you scroll all the way down.)

Ladies!

and little boys!

previously: red flag: inappropriate social networking site pages, MySpace or Your's?

another really annoying online guy

More on on-line dating adventures. So I started an e-mail correspondence with another annoying guy from an online site. We'll call him online Bob. And he was exactly the type of liberal "progressive" cocksure self impressed type of guy who makes me run into the (refreshingly) overtly macho and tattoo-laden* arms of Juan. In other words, I think I prefer when there are no airs or pretensions because then there is less disappointment. Anyhoo, Online Bob had the precious tone I found annoying in my correspondence with Online John, whom, by the way, I still haven't called. We're still on first base (corresponding via the online site.) But I decided to live a little and go to second base (raw, unfiltered, unmediated inbox to inbox e-mail conversation) with Bob. I told Bob about an organization I was involved in which he had never actually engaged in but which he had heard about. And yet, with out having experienced it himself, he felt totally comfortable stating that " my problem with them is that it's not healthy for liberals or demorcracy [sic]." But he followed this up with a sensitive, open minded and non-judgmental "But to each her/his own." He is so advanced! I love that he refuses to use the patriarchal proverb "to each his own" when he's dismissing what I do without bothering to know of what he speaks. Or use spell check, for that manner. Maybe he's too fluid for that.


*One is the name of his "home town" in Puerto Rico. He actually grew up grew up in Manhattan on "the Lower East Side" (read: East Village) and then moved to PR. And the other is of his son's cute and chubby face, which, in all honestly, was a contrast to his kinda skinny (especially for a security guard/ former cop) arms. He didn't have a tattoo of his daughter, even though she is older AND was actually intended. Oh, I gotta tell you more about his tattoo plans for the future later. Remind me!

ok, puerto rico, i get it: you're every where

I have been really good about not obsessing about Juan. But I have to say, living in a very Puerto Rican or New Yorican neighborhood serves as a constant reminder of Juan. It's not like I'm so racist and sheltered to have only one person to reference when it comes to Puerto Rico. But my relationship with Juan is the most recent Rican relationship (that includes friends, not just amigos y más)

For reals, some of my best friends are Puerto Rican. I often say this as a joke, but in this case, the truth is I do have lot of friends who are Puerto Rican . But, sadly, Juan, has eclipsed all my other Puerto Rican associations. And now whenever I think Of Puerto Rico, I think of Juan, who talked about la isla constantly, went there for his grandmother's funeral early in our "relationship" (for lack of a better word) and wants to move back there. Oh, yeah, I dunno if I dropped this Juan bomb yet, but apparently he wants to go back to Puerto Rico and the only reason he left was because a hit was taken out on his head. Anyhoo...

So, yeah, nothing makes a Puerto Rican barrio come to life like, say, a Puerto Rican Day parade, which I got to enjoy Sunday. I can't count the number of Puerto Rican flags I saw hanging out of windows, out of cars, pants, wrapped around heads etc. I really need to reclaim Puerto Rican culture. I mean, no, not like that. I mean I need to take it away from Juan and give it back to the nice Puerto Ricans. If I let him take away the Puerto Rican day parade from me, I'm letting him win. (Geraldo Rivera was there this year. Damn.) That's a little dishonest. I was never really into the parade and was certainly never self righteous and deluded enough to march in it myself, but I didn't watch it either.

Still, I should be able to associate it with good things like traffic and noise and attacks on women-- not with Juan. And no, that's not racist. I don't associate Puerto Ricans with that attack. The guys weren't even Puerto Rican. It just happened to have happened during the parade.

It's not fair. There's no secular Jewish parade to force Juan to think about be. Oh well.

he said I made him feel like a New Kids On The Block, sniffle, sniffle

As Juan becomes more and more a piece of material (as in comedy, not as in a piece of meat), little memories tug at my brain and asking to be included in my blogging. This was is a gem. On the last night he stayed over, Juan was going back and forth between why we shouldn't date and should date, settling on "taking it slower." He seemed to be talking out loud about a fantasy he had of living together. He told me he would ultimately want to go to Florida to be with his kids and asked me if I would ever move. "To Florida?" I replied. "Probably not." Then he started telling me what he likes to eat and drink and have in the refrigerator. And then he said "but what if we move in together and I act like a prick? I mean you like me now but you haven't seen me really lose it." TIGO! (Thank God It's Over) Thank God I was spared witnessing him prick out even more than he did on his good behavior.

Anyway, perhaps the most moving thing Juan said was "I mean I want to move to Florida, but you drive me crazy. Look at you. You're so cute. [I was angry at this point FYI.] I mean you make me feel like one of these guys." And he pointed to the towel I had hanging up, a towel featuring NKOTB, (New Kids On The Block.) I guess he thought I Got the Right Stuff: "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh/ Oh, oh, oh, oh/ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh The right stuff." Now I'll never be able to listen to You Got It (The Right Stuff), or Hangin’ Tough ever again. I mean those songs were already tear jerkers, so now they're just off limits. Sniffle, sniffle. Well, maybe once I'm really over him, I can listen to those songs again. And I'm almost there. As long as I keep Hangin' Tough and I keep getting stronger, every day, Step by Step.

But you can still enjoy the NKOTB. So, enjoy.

deep thoughts on on-line dating

So, my friend and I were chatting the other night about online dating. And we agreed that, in spite of our hopes to the contrary, and our best intentions, and efforts to keep an open mind, every time we have a negative hunch about someone based on his profile, the hunch turns out to be spot on. Actually, it turns out to be even more true than we had imagined possible. This makes actually going through with going date really difficult.

Here is an example of what I fear from a guy's profile. This is taken from a real guy who wrote me and who I am supposed to call and/ or go on a date with. We'll call him "Online John"

Online John

• lists his interests alphabetically [annoying]
• and they include things like acronyms, alain resnais, ambiguity, angularity in many forms, autodidacticism, complexity, critical theory, ineffability, post-modernity, temporality, walter benjamin [painfully pretentious]
• and petit mort, [uh, French for little death which means orgasm, which is both painfully pretentious and a little pervy]
• and suffering [not so healthy or appealing]

I am almost positive he will turn out to be annoying and/ or painfully pretentious and/ or pervy and/ or unhealthy and unappealing. So, in order to soften the blow, I am going to talk on the phone with him instead of going on a date with him. Because that way, when he does inevitably, prove to be annoying and/ or painfully pretentious and/ or pervy and/ or unhealthy and unappealing I won't be trapped. I can always read e-mail, blog, paint my nails, or clean my house as he goes on and on about ineffability. Or I can simply hang up the phone. But I would hate to be stuck in some east village cafe for drinks, then stuck in some artsy cinema for a retrospective, then stuck in an obscurely ethnic hole in the wall (where, he will remind me several times, he is always the only non Turkmenistani there) for some authentic cheap plov, with someone who won't shut up about critical theory.

So, yeah, I think I'll call him tomorrow.

honduras vs puerto rico = sweet victory

The "Honduras vs Puerto Rico" soccer (I think) game was so much more than a game. I didn't watch it, but scanning the news, I was thrilled to see that Honduras CREAMED Puerto Rico during a tournament called "The World Cup." I can't help but see myself as the victorious Honduras and Juan as the defeated Puerto Rico. Maybe I'm projecting.

I don't know who David Suazo is, but he's my new MAP (Mejor Amigo Para Siempre) because he's the futbolista who scored two goals tonight. Props also to Julio Cesar "Rambo" de Leon and Wilson Palacios, who each scored a goal.


But anyway, to get an idea of how excited I was, check out Julio Ceasar or "Rambo", to the left, and Julio Ceasar celebrating with David arriba. And to get a sense of my beating Juan looks like (to me) , check out this photo of Wilson below, doing I don't know what to I don't know whom.