my conversation with an angry white male/ wife stabbing apologist

So here is the conversation with the Norman Mailer fan I mentioned earlier. To set it up, it was party in a bar following a screening of several short social issue documentary films. He was a middle aged white man, a friend of one of the filmmakers, who was wearing a black shirt under a blazer, black jeans, and stood really close to me with his arms crossed or gesticulating pretentiously. He was interrogating me in a very hostile, combative, and condescending way. At one point he said to me "OK, now we're getting somewhere. Now this could still possible be an authentic conversation." And the rest, as they say, is history-- history which I have recorded below, in the hopes that we can learn from it and make sure it never happens again.

Me: What do you mean an authentic conversation

Schmuck: I am trying to have an authentic conversation with you, trying to talk about something real to treat you as a person in the space in front of me. I'm looking for some authenticity.

Me: Did you do Landmark? [I asked because I've had the displeasure of talking to other LandMarkees who constantly talk about authenticity and being authentic.]

Schmuck: No. But I did do one of their trainings [shouldn't the answer have been "yes, i did one of the trainings."]

Me: OK

Schmuck: Do you know who Norman Mailer is?

Me: Yes

Schmuck: Well I worked a lot with Norman. And neither of us has patience for inauthenticity,"

Me: He also stabbed his wife.

Schmuck: You didn't know his wife. I did.

Me:Oh, [sympathetic nodding], was she stab-worthy?

Schmuck: She was provocative. Have you read any Norman Mailer?

Me: Yes.

Schmuck: So you'll know he is the greatest writer, the greatest truth seeker. He pursued the truth at all costs. And if the fact that he stabbed his wife is the only thing that sticks out to you, that is a shame. He made art. There has been a cultural spiraling, people in your generation don't really have a lot of authenticity. You know in the 1960's, the intelligentsia made real movies for the cinema. Looking around [he meant the bar which was filled with some independent filmmakers and their friends] I hear a lot of idol chatter, I don't see any real art. I just see people trying to make films for the mass market, for the mainstream.

Me: These people are mass market mainstream filmmakers? These people who make documentaries about mandatory sentencing, being born with HIV, the abuse of Native Americans?

Schmuck: Well... Norman Mailer wrote about the truth, he wrote about war. This generation doesn't know what that is. This generation can't relate to not knowing where your next meal is coming from.

Me: Well, this generation also has to deal with things that your generation didn't. Tonight we saw things that people didn't have to deal with before [a film about a woman whose mother died of AIDS and who was born HIV+]. People didn't have to deal with HIV and AIDS before that, people weren't born HIV+.

Schmuck: Well, that's an interesting point. You make an interesting point. Do you know why it's interesting?

Me: No. [enlighten me, PLEASE :)]

Schmuck: Because you are talking about communities who suffer self inflicted wounds. These people harm themselves through their culture, through the drug culture. I don't want to say it's their fault, but --

Me: But it is their fault. because they are hurting themselves, right? For example, the young woman who contracted HIV from her mother? People who are born HIV + are people who made bad choices when they were zygotes. They spent time in the wrong areas of the womb, they hung out with really dangerous viruses. They made really bad prenatal decisions and now they have to live with the consequences.They have only themselves to blame. I'm going to the bathroom.

men: can't live with them, and some of them are misogynists

There are certain phrases which can only lead to painful discussions. "Do you know who Norman Mailer is? Well I worked a lot with Norman. And neither of us has patience for inauthenticity," is definitely a road to conversational hell. Unless the sentence is said tongue and cheek. I'm going to transcribe my conversation with the Mailerphile in the next post.

a post post modern blog post

Some may find it "ironical" that I am about to correct my last post-- a post in which I promised to correct my previous post. Well, I explained that late night blogging is not a great Idea. But I guess I wanted to show it and not just say/ write it. OK. So here is my new corrected post. The messed up one is below. Enjoy!

Dear fans, I really want to apologize for not blogging more today. And I want to apologize for the dysfunctional links to the various dating websites I mentioned. Luckily "glowing ho," a long-time reader, first time proof reader, gave me a heads up. I was going to fix the links, and maybe I still will, maybe I still will. But for now, I wanted to look at the potential symbolism in these missing links. What do they mean? Could they be my subconscious telling me to stay away from internet dating? Could it be that there is a God? And that said God want me to encourage online dating? Could the broken links be metaphors for broken hearts? Dysfunctionall links metaphors for dysfunctional relationships? Perhaps. They also mean that BUI (blogging under the influence, NOT to be confused with Boxing Union of Ireland) in dangerous. I had a few drinks last night, and it was late. But a ho has to do what a ho has to do. And I couldn't let down my readers. So i my post was tipsy. OK, gotta go to sleep. But tonight I had an amazing interaction with a middle aged white man who (NO JOKE) compared himself to Norman Mailer (in a good way.) More on that tomorrow.

Broken Links? Or Broken Hearts? Or Both?

Dear fans, I really want to apologize for not blogging more today. And I want to apologize for the dysfunctional links symbolism in these missing links. What do they mean? Could they be my subconscious telling me to stay away from internet dating? Could it be that there is a God? And that said God didn't I put in last night to the various dating websites I mentioned. Luckily "glowing ho," a long-time reader, first time proof reader, gave me a heads up. I was going to fix the links, and maybe I still will, maybe I still will. But for now, I wanted to look at the potential want me to encourage online dating? Could the broken links be metaphors for broken hearts? Dysfunctionall links metaphors for dysfunctional relationships? Perhaps.

They also mean that BUI (blogging under the influence, NOT to be confused with Boxing Union of Ireland) in dangerous. I had a few drinks last night, and it was late. But a ho has to do what a ho has to do. And I couldn't let down my readers. So i my post was tipsy. OK, gotta go to sleep. But tonight I had an amazing interaction with a middle aged white man who (NO JOKE) compared himself to Norman Mailer (in a good way.) More on that tomorrow.

to online date, or not to online date: that is the (second) question

Gosh, Shakespeare was even more right than I thought yesterday . And, as readers will remember, I already thought he was soooo right.

Well you know who else is right? Natalie Imbruglia. Because "I'm torn." On the one hand, I have tons of friends who have met their partners, SO's, GFs or BFs via various online sites:

• one friend is about to move in with the boyfriend she met on okcupid
  
• another friend is ALREADY living with her jdate FIANCE (in Israel, it's funny because it's true) and they are tying the knot or breaking the huppa this summer.
  
• my friend met his boyfriend on gaydar two years ago ( sorry eharmony)
• 
  
• another friend is a serial onion dater who just moved with her boyfriend (to Michigan, it's sad because it's true)
• And just tonight a friend was glowing about her boyfriend she had met on match.com
  
  

And those are just a handful of the promising precedents that should be lullingme to the computer. But I've found online dating to suck. I'll tell you some stories tomorrow, but for now, I'll share one of the problems with trying to online date, especially when you are trying to get over an ex. Unlike date dates, online dates are not preceded by a physical meeting (duh), which means you have no way of knowing if you and this person will have chemistry or hit it off. When you go on a date with someone you've met, you probably have at least a little bit of that going on, or why would you go out on the date. The reason this sucks for me when I'm trying to get over an ex is that it demoralizes me. It's not just an awkward or even unpleasant drink or snack. I always think "Well I know ex was bad, but at least if I were with ex I would be comfortable and amused and having some fun." I sometimes feel more hopeless and down during and after an online date than I did before. Which clearly means I got issues. I got more issues than Playboy, as my friend used to say (not about me, about her ex. I guess I Should say I have got more issues than Playgirl. But then again, I don't have any issues of Playgirl. That's a gay men's magazine right? So I could say I got more issues than Harpers.

previously: to call, or not to call: that is the question

he had a great bod, so i jumped on and rode and i'm still sore

This weekend I finally did it. And I really needed it because it had been a while. I sweat released endorphins, lost my breath, and my crotch is still sore. But it was more than worth it. My teacher had a great body, and was so nice and encouraging, I really worked hard. And he had a great sense of rhythm and great test in music Proud Mary. If you haven't done it to Rolling on the River, you haven't lived. Music can make all the difference when it comes to spinning. It's so much easier to do ride a stationary bike in 80 degrees when you're pedal pushing to good music. But I'm serious about the crotch thing. The seat is pretty painful. Apparently, you get used to it. And it's true, it less uncomfortable each time. But does that imply crotch callouses?

previously: Going Thru Labor

to call, or not to call: that is the question

Shakespeare was so right on, you know? Riiiiiight? So it's been a few weeks since I went on the date with scientist Chris. As I've said, I liked him, but wasn't head of heals, (or else I would have written, "So, it's been 4 weeks and 3 days since I went on the date with scientists Chris.) Anyway, all experts (my friends) thought his behavior pointed to a follow up phone call, which he didn't, it turns out, make. Again, ironically, it's because I wasn't smitten, didn't make out with him, don't feel at all vulnerable, attached or invested that I would consider reaching out to him. But I'm trying to be a Rules girl. And a Rules girl never calls a boy.

But I heard a story this weekend that challenges the conventional wisdom of The Rules (and many people). My friend went out on a date with a guy which, she thought, went really well. But, to her surprise and dismay, he didn't call her. She had a gut feeling that they had a great time. So, though she doesn't usually do this, she called him. They went out, had a great time and the rest, as they say, is history (they've been dating for months and they're really into each other.) My friend actually asked her now boyfriend, why then disappointing frustrating date boy didn't call her. He said that he thought she would have if she had liked him.

I always thought that the whole "I'm sure he likes you. He's probably not calling you because he thinks you don't like him" argument was a figment of women's imaginations; the kind of self delusion that made He's Just Not That Into You so desperately necessary! But here is living proof of a guy who really did like the girl and really didn't call because he thought she didn't like him.

Of course, who knows if he's telling the truth? And maybe this should have served as a filter to weed out guys who aren't brave and secure enough to call up a girl they like. I dunno.

So, to call Chris, or not to call Chris: that, once again, is the question.

red flag: inappropriate social networking site pages

Here are some Red Flags I wasn't prepared to look for. If I can help prevent one reader from making my mistakes, it will have been worth it.

Like all Jewish mothers, my mother always said, a "a man's MySpace page is the window to his soul." If only I had heeded that warning. Readers, an inappropriate MySpace* page often means an inappropriate choice. A man's poor MySpace judgement might reflect his poor judgement in general. For example, I should have been weary of Juan's MySpace flaws, which I blogged about (MySpace or Your's?). So ladies, don't make my mistake! Be on the look out for the following red flags:


1) a main photo featuring an extended middle finger (if the photo is embedded 30 photos into his album, this may be excusable, though it's still less than ideal). Loving photos with children, nieces, nephews etcetera, do not justify the middle finger photo (MFP). In fact, they make the MFP that much more disconcerting and incongruous.

2) photos of an ex/ multiple exes/ baby(ies) mama(s)

3) photos of bikini models

4) inappropriate level of interest in and attention to said social networking space

* Of course, in theory, we need to be on the look out for warnings signs on any social networking sites (SNS) , be they FaceBook, Friendster, hi5 etc. In practice, however, I've found that MySpace is the the immature or inappropriate man's SNS of choice.

Denial: it aint just a river in egypt

Oh how I love that joke. Anyhoo, it's funny how denial works. For me at least, my denial is more like trickery. I'm pretty aware of whatever it is I'm denying. This is ridonc, but I bought all these stupid books, like The Rules and How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp, which I kinda like. But we will get back to that. Anyway, I went out and bought a bunch of these books early on in my thing with Juan because I was kinda freaking out about his not calling me. Of course after I spent a few hundred bucks at Barnes & Noble, where I explained to the cashier "I'm writing an article on this" (read, I would never spend hours perusing through these books), Juan called me and I put them away.

But the funny thing is, the few times I would pick them up, I was always made sure I avoided the how to stop falling for Mr. Wrong sections. The reason I avoided the books, and especially the Mr. Wrong sections is because, well, I knew Juan was Mr. Wrong. But I didn't want to stop seeing him. Like Amy Fisher said If I knew Then*. Except I did knew then. So I guess it would be, If I Acknowledged Then.

The full title of Fisher's book is If I knew Then: Amy Fisher finally talks about her childhood, her crime, life in prison, starting over, marriage, motherhood and turning 30.

Can you believe she covers all that in 320 pages?

MySpace or Your's?

Ugggh. So I finally did the unthinkable and went on Juan's MySpace Page. It's one of the few things in life he seems to follow through with and devote himself to. He checks it almost every day I think. There were always new updated photos; new moods; new names for himself. When we were dating he even told me about some girl who was stalking him and sending him naked pictures. Anyhoo, when I went on to his myspace page, there were a few interesting changes.


1) He has a beautiful NY Yankees layout. (Yankees fans can download it here for free!)
2) He is still listed as single, but he is no longer looking for "relationship." He's only looking for friends
3) His main picture is no longer one of him giving the finger (charming I know), but rather a picture of him with his ex and their two kids
4) He took down some photos he had of himself with the last girl he dated. I once asked him why he still had them up. I didn't care, I just thought it was weird since he didn't seem to like her. He said he kept them up because if he took them down she would bother him.
5) He now has an album called "Me and (ex's name) and are [sic] kids."
6) His "hot comment" ( I'm not sure what that is, but I guess it's something he put up or someone else did) says "If you love someone, you never give up."
7) His mood is "hopeful"
8) His ex's was "lonely" and then when I checked last "anxious"
9) His ex left him a comment saying "No matter what, I'm always there for you."

This all confirms what I suspected the whole time, which is that Juan was totally not over his ex. And they may be trying to patch things up.

It's weird. Seeing the page was both upsetting and relieving. It was upsetting because I don't want to be reminded of him. It was a relief because I feel totally unthreatened by his ex. I mean, I don't feel dissed that he wants to get back together with his ex and, by extension, live with his kids. I guess I was also relieved in this weird way because I saw the two of them as pathetic.

He still has the latina models in bikinis up. So maybe when things progress with him and his ex, he'll replace those photos with pictures of latina models in full piece suits.

was she really going out with him?

During that same productive final discussion with Juan, he said something that made me think of the classic song Is She Really Going Out with Him? (see below). Jo Jackson, if you're reading this, did you write that song for me? Could you predict, back in 1979, that Juan would tell me

I want to be the one who works. And I want the woman to take care of the house. I like a woman who cooks and cleans. Like my ex, she had her problems, but if I was hungry, she'd have a plate of food ready for me... But you, you're there for me if I need to talk. But, I need to be the one who works.

Wow. I don't know if I was more struck by 1) the fact that I had made a major scientific discovery: I had found, in the heart of Manhattan, a surviving member of a species long considered extinct: The Neanderthal. 2) the fact that Juan was open about his Neanderthal heritage. 3) Or the fact that the Neanderthal with whom I was speaking was, or had been, my Neanderthal. I responded

Well, if there's any advice I could give you, it's that, if, in the future, you're choosing between a woman who gives you food and a woman who is there for you emotionally... you can cook your own fucking food.

What I should have said was

You see, when we were Neanderthals, being with a Neanderthalette who would stay at home and tend to your hairy monster babies, while you went off to kill mammoths and dodo birds, made sense. You would bring home the bacon (or bison) and she would have a steaming plate of mammoth stew waiting for you at home. And then you would run away from a pack of wild animals or mate or practice the ritual defleshing of your prey that you were so good at. But today, it doesn't make as much sense. Because if you, after a long day of security guarding, come home to a plate of food served to you by a woman who grunts and still can't get over how cool fire is, you're probably not going to be that happy.

Anyway. Food for thought. Jo Jackson, take it away.

make love AND war (or why things would never have worked out with amiri)

so, i swear, even though people don't believe me, but i really am over amiri and glad we're friends. He even told me he was "seeing someone." Now, I was, of course, upset. BUT I was upset because I remembered how nice Amiri was at the beginning. And I was upset because I wanted to be "seeing someone." But I really wasn't upset that he and I weren't seeing each other. I did, kind of rudely say "it will work out because you guys live in separate cities." Anyhoo, the next time we talked about the girl he is seeing, I asked him what she did and all that. And he said "I dunno. I like her. She's into sports. She seems competitive." Now, to me, that would be a bad thing. I would say "I dunno I like him. BUT he seems competitive." Anyway, yet another reminder of our differences. They crack me up now. Before, they made me cry.

no regrets (i guess)

So, one of the last things Juan said in one of our last phone conversations when we were breaking up was "But I don't regret nothing. Because I met a beautiful person." I THINK he was talking about me. I don't really think of Juan as a beautiful person either physically or emotionally or spiritually or whatever other cliched level of beauty exists. So I didn't say anything back. In my head I said "I do regret a lot because I met an ugly person." Really, the truth is I met a fucked up person. But I'm trying to be an optimist and look at the glass half full instead of half empty. So, let's see, "I don't regret nothing because... [come on, think, think. There has to be something.] I don't regret nothing because, I met a person who provides with lots of comedic material." There. I got it. I found the one redeeming quality about this nightmare of a relationship.

boys: don't try this at home

So at the same time that I met scientist Chris, I met musician Chris. When I met him I was struck by how an annoying voice can make someone who is objectively attractive totally unattractive. Apparently, he was struck by me and my "body." At least that's what a mutual friend told me. He asked for my number, called me and left me a message on a Monday, in the same annoying voice. I called him back Thursday and asked him if he was going to be at a party for our mutual friend Saturday. He said he was and also asked me if I wanted to go out Monday for drinks. I said sure and that we'd see each other at the party.

He arrived really late to the party, which, in retrospect, I'm grateful for. As soon as he got there he started dancing with me in a really gross and confident way. At the end of the party he offered me a lift home. I didn't know this at the time, but apparently he hinted to our mutual friend that he didn't want to give anyone else a lift because he was taking me home. We drove home and had a fairly painful conversation in which he came off as both cocky and insecure. He also mentioned that his brother in law hits on women in front of him because the brother in law know that Chris won't tell his sister, which I found weird. He stopped for gas and, while feeling up, also bought some Mozzarella stick flavored chips. I had a few and they were pretty gross but addicting.

He pulled up to my building, I thanked him for the ride, and offered him money for gas, which he refused. We leaned it to kiss ON THE CHEEK, which he decided to turn into a real French kiss. OMG, I can't believe I just said French kiss. Anyway, remember he had eaten mozzarella stick flavored chips. WTF? Not good planning, and surprising since he seemed so sceevy and plotting. I stopped and pushed him away and got out of his minivan and said bye again from the safety (I thought) of the sidewalk. He said "Come on! The night is young." Then he jumped out across the front seat, hopping over the passenger seat and out of the van. Then he said "I love mini vans!" And then I said goodnight.

I was dreading that he would call me for our scheduled date and was relieved when he didn't and assumed he had picked up on the fact that he was not my type, in spite of his good sophisticated taste in chips and auto-acrobatic skill. But he texted me Tuesday night saying

I'm deeply deeply sorry 4 not called you they called me to work & there was nothing ill could. Im still working ill call you tomorrow. Thanks i hope you're OK. Chaou linda

Luckily, he didn't call the next day. And believe it or not, I'm OK!

Ex-orcizing The Demons

I've got good news for fans and friends of the blog (mom)! I am back together with Amiri, my ex. Just kidding. I'm back speaking to him again after a few months of having no contact with him whatsoever. We had been broken up for almost 5 months but had been in touch. Then we got into an IM fight and stopped talking for around 4 months. Some people may not agree with me, but I prefer being in casual contact with the ex to not speaking to him at all. Conventional wisdom says you should cut it off, "fuck him," and soon you'll be over it, it's just a question of time. But when we weren't talking, I thought about him and wasted much more emotional energy on him than I had when we were in touch. I was always aware of our non-talking status, of the the fact that we were not talking. And instead of getting better over time, it got worse. With each passing day, my feelings of anger and sadness and rejection only intensified.

At first it was like "I can't believe it's already been two days since our IM fight and he still hasn't called me to apologize or just check in. Not that I care. In fact, when he does reach out, I'll ignore him."

Then it was like "Wow, I can't believe it's been two weeks and he still hasn't even texted or IM'd. How could he be so cruel? [sniffle]"

And then it turned into "How can he possibly not contact me? Doesn't he miss me? [sobbing]"

But now that we're back in touch he either amuses me or annoys me or both. AND I def don't think about his as much.

Good times. I wonder if I'll have this with Juan. "I can't believe it's been a 2 weeks and 3 days and he still hasn't called me. OH MY GOD! How could he do this to me? [waling and howling]!"

the thing about cops and jews is...

And here's another gem from the final phone convo with Juan. The following excerpt is from our reflections on our irreconcilable differences

Juan: And I want to be a cop. And you don't want me to be a cop.

Me: It's just that it's dangerous.*
Juan: Well, walking onto the street is
dangerous.
Me: Yeah but--
Juan: It used to be dangerous to be a Jew**
Me: OK, well, I wouldn't want my husband to go to the Jew Academy
and become a Jew either. Silence.

This interesting perspective made me realize why there are so few Jewish cops. Back in the day, when it was dangerous to be a Jew, Jews didn't want to put themselves at even more of a risk by putting themselves in the line of even more fire.

So moms: don't let your kids grow up to be Jews.

*actually, I'm uncomfortable with the profession for several reasons, but this was the one I chose to share, because it's the least offensive [why was I worried about being nice?] and because it's not that controversial a statement.

** I'm (ethnically) Jewish.

There's a fine line between friends and more than friends (If you're retarded)

During the last conversation I will have for a while/ ever with Juan, he thoughtfully reflected "you fell for me really fast." He was attributing our accelerated relationship to my falling so hard for him. I can't say I fell for him. I more, against my better judgement and knowing it was going nowhere the whole time, let myself become involved in a man with a chaotic, complicated, messy and problematic life. But I didn't say that. I said, instead, that I thought he had been pretty gung ho about me and us as well and had said a lot of relationshipy things very early on, so early, actually, that I remember being a little alarmed (though flattered.) To jog his memory, I reminded him that he had said [after our third date, which did include a pg 13 sleepover] "I really like you. I think I can learn a lot from you. And maybe, you know, you could learn a little from me." I also reminded him that a week later, he had told me he told his parents about me. Showing a remarkable self awareness, Juan responded by saying "Yeah, but I could have said that about a friend. Those are things I would say about a guy." So was I being daft? Or was he being dishonest? OK, potentially, I could tell my parents about a cool friend I met, but I can't see why I would have come up when he went back to Puerto Rico to attend his grandmother's funeral. Was it like, "mom, dad, speaking of the loss of abuelita, I met a really cool friend." Or "The thing that makes me the saddest is that abuelita never got to meet this really cool friend of mine." And I guess I could tell a friend I just met I was looking forward to having a mutually edifying relationship. I've never said this, and I can't imagine saying it to any friend any time soon. But maybe I'm too uptight.

I realize that I TOTALLY read into what Juan was saying to me. I distorted clearly platonic statements into romantic ones. I'll list them just so you can see how oblivious I was to his friendly intentions.

"You're someone who I could take home to my mom" [as a friend].

"I like you, I really like you [my friend]."

"I think you would really like Puerto Rico and one day maybe we can go there" [as friends].

"I like dating one person at a time" [as a friend].

"I was telling my sister/ bar tender/ cousin/ nieces about you" [my friend].

"I love your face. Your eyes just pierce me" [friend].

"I've never met anyone like you" [friend].

"I feel so comfortable with you" [my friend].

"I can tell how much you care. You really care and are there for me" [as a friend].

"I like you like crazy" [as a friend].

"You make me feel like a New Kids on The Block" [friend].

Just Juan-dering if this is Obsessive or Cathartic

So I want to write more about Juan, which can seem obsessive. But I feel like he owes me material and comedy. I mean, really, it's the least he could do, right? So I'm not going to hold back. Just FYI

Going Thru Labor

Today I went through labor. I was in excruciating pain, sweating like crazy, and had a woman encouraging me and screaming at me to push. And my crotch still hasn't recovered from the trauma.

This was my first spinning class ever! It was actually quite good. Much less tedious than I had thought. It was a little strange; pitch black with a light that made everything white glow in the dark. The woman leading the class looked like she was a workout version of flash dance, because she was the only person illuminated.

More On Date With Chris

It was fun. Less dynamic and all over the place than hanging out with Juan, but that's probably a good thing. My shrink is such a party pooper (Oh, I switched shrinks, more on that later.) And she was saying it may not even be a date, you may just be going out to dinner. But I'm pretty sure it was a date. I showed up to the date 5 minutes late, which my friend said is what you're supposed to do, but I would have anyway because I'm always late. The date was euro style at late ( at 9). There was no kiss hello or hug. And he looked tired and stressed (awesome to think I have that effect on people.) And he was, from a long day at the lab. (Juan would be tired from long days of securing and watching videos in which one person hit another person over the head. He thinks those are really funny.) So we talked about this and that and our jobs and it was fun. We closed the place down, which is not that exciting because they close down at around 10:30. They were so annoying about it. They turned on all the lights and everything.

Anyhoo, when we got the check, Chris said, "I'll get it this time." I realize that because it's impossible to communicate tone over an blog post, it could sound like he was annoyed. Like, I'll get it THIS time. But it was all good. See Dr. Smith! That was a date. Right? Since a Rules girl is always supposed to end the date (and the phone call), I did my own softer version. They suggest you say "Gee I have a busy day tomorrow." But that wouldn't have worked I don't think. I would have sounded like I was... speaking from a script. So I said, "You look tired." That was my nice way of saying, gee I gotta go. He did look tired, but not miserable or anything. But I like the line because it's like, I would like to end the date, but I will be nice and pretend it is you that is ending it. Right? Maybe, maybe not.

So then, this part was cute. After we had established we were going to go our separate way (y home, him lab, then home) we kept talking. We were right near my apartment and we discussed how there is nothing to do in my neighborhood at night AT ALL. Because everything closes, it's true. So it was right after "this neighborhood is dead" convo that I said "you look tired" and he said "yeah, I gotta go to the lab and then to sleep." So after he said that I said "That's really too bad because there are a lot of hot spots we could be hitting up right now around here." And he was like "Oh... Well we can do that next time." Which was very cute. Then I had to explain that I was making a joke and referring to our conversation two seconds earlier. It was funny.

Then we kept talking and talking and talking. And it was fun. I kept trying to end it, trying to be a good Rules girl, (not in a mean way at all. I would just say. "OK, So, Well" stuff like that) and then he would start talking again. Finally, at the end of the convo when it was really winding down, I said (again, I think) "Well thanks for dinner." And he said "Yeah. So we'll speak soon?" And I said "yeah." I really wish I had said "yeah, call me." Because it's Friday and our date was Tuesday and I haven't heard from him. He is so shy that I would consider calling him, since he called me last time. But I'm trying to stick to the Rules. We'll see.

first date with Chris

Oh, so I went on my first date with Chris. It was good. More details to come. He hasn't called yet, and it was Tuesday night. I'm not too worried. Luckily, I'm too busy obsessing over Juan (who is dead to me) to really think about Chris, who doesn't have any children or an ex he speaks to regularly and who is getting his PhD. Anyway, it ended with his asking "So we'll talk soon?" and my saying "yeah." Maybe I should have said "Yeah, call me." Alas I didn't. He's shy so I'm tempted to call. But I'm not, because "A Rules girl never calls, only calls back." Tomorrow, I'll blog about the Rules rules I've been following with Chris and also about this cute awkward moment. I know, you can't wait, right?

The Gods Must be not so Crazy/ not want me to have sex with Juan

I just realized that both breakups I went through with Juan were immediately following the possibility of having sex. I know that sounds weird but, the first time was right after he got his STD tests back. And the second break up was right after we talked about actually going all the way. What I relief we didn't. I'd be even more of a mess right now. Damn. I could have carried his love child. And become Mrs. Baby Mama Number Two. Wow.

Don't put all your Ova in one basket/ Hung over

OK. I'm trying to do this dating thing so that my anxiety and obsession is divided among multiple people instead of just spent on one person. And of course, you're less invested in one person. I have to admit I found dating and seeing more than one person pretty hard. I'm more of a one woman one man kinda gal. Once I like someone and have any kind of physical romantic interaction with him, "I only have eyes for him." The problem, of course, is when the man for whom you have exclusive eyes is blocking your vision and blinding you from Mr. Right who happens to be standing right behind him. More realistically, the problem is once I'm into someone, I see everything through denial/ rose colored glasses and want to make us work, even if "us" sucks.

Sorry if I'm not writing as AMAZINGLY AND TOTALLY BRILLIANTLY as I usually do. You know how I hate to disappoint my audience. But I have a terrible head ache, and am hung over. I went out last night in one of those "I'm young and single and should go out but I don't really want to moments." I wound up having a lot of fun. Sang Karaoke. Cher's I've Found Someone was a disaster. Never Again. Never Again. Ooo, wouldn't it be great if when I "find someone" the spell is broken and I am able to sing that song well? As of now, it's totally out of my range. But Bryan Adams' Summer of 69 and Cheryl Crow and Kid Rock's collaborative opus (I put your) Picture (away) have great harmonies and were great to do with my friend, who is a bit of a Karaoke snob. He wouldn't let me sing Natalie Umbruglia's Torn with him because he wanted to "go solo." I went solo myself with Bon Jovi's Always, a very underrated song. Anyway, three gin and somethings and 3 hours of sleep later, I'm a total mess with a raging headache. So this post is really more of a free association type thing. But anyway, I'll write more about not putting all your ova in the same basket soon. For now, just know that I'm trying. And at the end of the day, isn't that the only thing we can really do? Try?

Juan Update

In the interest of protecting privacy, I took some liberties with the truth in my description of Juan. I said he was a Dominican doorman, who had worked as a fireman in the DR and was working towards become a fireman again. But this just doesn't work. So I'm going to divulge some true differences. I'm pretty sure Juan won't be googling around for blogs on dating and sex, so he want find this. And Juan, if you're reading this, I still have your contacts, you fucking asshole. Anyway, the truth is Juan (and I am being decent by not saying his real name) is, in fact, from Puerto Rico where he worked as a cop. Here he works as a security guard but is working towards becoming a cop again. I'm coming clean because some of the gems I'm going to share with you later about Juan involve his police past/ security guard present.

New Rules: The Rules

Because I realize I've become a bit of a psycho and don't want to alienate all my friends, I've decided to take the advice of one of my wisest, patientist, supportivist friends, and buy The Rules. It's embarrassing, but it may help. It basically lays out the rules you need to follow in order to be unattainable. It seems extreme, but as my friend and I agreed, I am so extremely... easy to get, the hard to get extremity will be mitigated. I'm not easy to get as in I throw myself at lots of men or even like lots of men. It's that once I start something with a guy, I am way too emotionally available for my own good. So if anyone out there wants to try the rules with me, let me know. They suggest you do it with a friend.

Boys On/Off The Horizon

Here are the various boys on the horizon. As you can see, they almost all have tragic flaws. I’m not sure if I’m some kind of masochist or if their non boyfriendability reflects the slim pickings that is New York City’s Dating Scene. *The names have been changed. It's in chronological order, so my most recent nightmares are at the bottom.

Leonardo: Ex- Kind of Boyfriend. From Peru, lives in Spain. We got along very well, but geography combined with his cliched bohemian live life in the moment ideology, which I actually think I thought was beautiful once before realizing it could have come out of a USA movie, made it not work out. Now we’re friends again, after a long period of not communicating. Oh, he’s also 38.

Amiri: ex boyfriend. Started out great, although I was never convinced that we were necessarily in it to win it. Major Differences. But his sweetness combined with lack of other options made me more than willing to overlook them. Plus the way we met and the coincidences we shared made it seem like our relationship was out of a movie. So even if things got bad, at the end, he would chase me to the airport as I was leaving to take that job as a journalist in Kenya, and beg me to stay, which I would. And the cabin and crew and all the passengers would clap as we hugged and kissed. And then an old lady would make some raunchy comment. Roll credits.


Benjamin: Met Speed dating. What? I said it, I went speed dating. Lives approximately 30 feet from me. According to the Speed Dating Coordinators’ follow up e-mails, we were each interested in dating each other. But I didn’t want to pursue anyone so I didn’t e-mail him. Then out of frustration with Amiri, I decided to put myself out there. He wrote back, said he’d love to hang out, was seeing some one, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t get a cup of coffee or go to a happy hour. It doesn’t? I thought it did. Any way, for my fans, I decided to write back. I haven’t heard back yet, and my friend did tell me she saw him on the street today with a girl who I’m “so much cuter than.”

Sheldon: Classic Jewish kid who wants to be black, he’s a nice, funny, fun smart guy. Problem is he’s false advertising: claims to be looking for a relationship, but really only interested in women who are unavailable. Too bad. He’s stuck between being a mensch and a putz. Maybe in a few years he’ll straighten himself out. Til then I can take him or leave him as a friend.

Abdualim: He is both my most and least promising prospect. Promising in that he’s really sweet, is a filmmaker, loves kids, made a great movie about kids. He’s from one of the Stans (Tajiki, Uzbeki, Kazak etc). I would tell you, but there are honestly so few filmmakers from these countries, I would be outing him. So he lives in a Stan, which also makes his computer access less than regular. My friend and I were joking about his delayed response being due to the one cable in the country getting stepped on by a mule. And then he e-mailed me to say he had lost electricity and waited for electrician in cold and couldn’t have any treatment. A girl can dream, can’t she? Or at least mail order husband?

Juan: Most recent disaster. Seemed very sweet even though I never thought we'd get married or anything. But he turned out to be much more of a mess than I could have anticipated and drove me/ is driving me crazy. He's Dominican but grew up here, then went to live in DR for teenage years, shacked up with a lady, had some kids, they broke up he's back here. Works as a doorman but dreams of becoming a fireman again, which is was back home. I was drawn to him because he was so (relatively) expressive and into kids and his own kids. He is flakey, and irresponsible, but I had a major soft spot for him and decided I would save him from his dysfunctional family, social life, lifestyle, environment etc. We broke it off, then we got it back on (not literally, actually, just fyi, THANK GOD we haven't you know what). Now we're somewhere between taking it slow, done, just friends, and never speaking again. Not sure. Will keep you posted.


Chris: I have a date with this guy tomorrow. Seems nice and is definitely smart. No major hang ups or fuck ups or kids (that I know of). A scientist, which will be weird because it's been a while since I've been on a date with someone who works in an academic/ intellectual field. Will let you know how date goes. OK?

Top Ten Reasons I Know This Relationship Won’t Work

Top ten lists are all the rage lately. So I thought I would try to write a top ten list of reasons I know the semi- relationship I’m semi/ totally in with Juan won’t work. Basically, in order for me to be with him, he would need to

1. change his relationship with his ex
2. change his relationship with his family
3. change his current job
4. not switch to the job he wants to switch to
5. become less flakey
6. watch less tv and spend less time on myspace
7. stop drinking so much
8. stop going out so much
9. go to therapy
10. be nicer to me

So I guess, this top ten list is really the top ten things that make me realize I want to be dating someone else. Good times.

My Cousin Always Said, There Are 3 Types Of Men

My Cousin is a wise lady. And she once said there are three types of men in the world

1. Assholes who know they’re assholes. These guys are assholes and don’t front like they’re not. Although hardly ideal, the self aware asshole has a refreshing transparency. He doesn’t claim to be a good guy. At the same time, it’s annoying that they accept their assholeness because they are condoning or sanctioning or approving it. Out of the 3 male types, this one is the middle. He’s not the worst or the best. How you can recognize them: hi five their male friends a lot, sleep with lots of women, don’t even tell you they’re not looking for a relationship because that would require too much thought and consideration.
2. Assholes who think they’re not assholes. These are the most common and sadly, the worst type. These are guys who are assholes but either think they’re not or try to convince themselves they’re not. These guys are dangerous and tricky because they may want to be good guys, but either can’t or won’t, which makes for greater disappointments and messier entanglements. How you recognize them: they may seem too good to be true, may say nice things that ring hollow, that you wish sounded more genuine. He plays house, likes the idea of being in a relationship. Is better at talking about what a good guy he is than being the good guy he claims to be.
   
3. And the best possible man is the Asshole who knows he’s an asshole AND is trying to do something about it. This asshole has the self-awareness of number one but the desire to be a good guy of number 2. How you recognize them: I don’t know. I’ve never met one. Ask my cousin.

Chris

Chris: I have a date with this guy tomorrow. Seems nice and is definitely smart. No major hang ups or fuck ups or kids (that I know of). A scientist, which will be weird because it's been a while since I've been on a date with someone who works in an academic/ intellectual field. Will let you know how date goes.